Here is today's Guest Review from the guys at Spider-Man Crawlspace for Marvel Knights: Spider-Man #3. I have also added my rating after each review. If you have any questions about my rating or want to discuss anything just leave me a comment.
Marvel Knights: Spider-Man #3 - 99 Problems... Three of Five: Combat
Spidey submerged – trapped aboard a submarine beneath the waves on a submarine with some of his most dangerous enemies!
Will Spider-Man be able to reach the sub’s command deck and take control of the vessel?
Featuring the return of the Marvel Universe’s most notorious – and infamous --villains!
Preview
More Than 99 Problems...
Plot
Spider-Man nearly drowns in the ocean, but then is taken into a submarine. He wakes up to the Queen, who asks him if he has ever thought about what their children would look like. Naturally he is confused by this, but things become more confusing once Queen says that her pet spider has already retrieved Spider-Man’s “essence”. Yes, her spider “retrieved” Peter Parker’s “essence”.
Review
What do I even say? This was awful. If you are a fan of any of the villains in this book, you are going to be astonished with how atrocious their characterization is. Let’s start with plotholes. I do not understand how we got from last issue’s ending to the beginning of this issue. Spidey landed in the water, and he seemed to be swimming fine. He used his psychic powers to figure out that Kingpin must be behind all of this. Yet when this issue starts, he is drowning deep in the ocean and Kingpin is not mentioned even once. Then what was even the point of the lame and head-scratching cliffhanger last issue? And how did he go from swimming to drowning and unconsciousness? Do I even care? Not much. One of the things about this story that is bugging me the most but Matt Kindt doesn't want me to think about is how the myseeerioouuss mastermind behind all of this ridiculousness is setting these kid-playing-with-action-figures situations for Spider-Man. First, we got Peter following a random photographer wanted ad into the haunted house with all of the villains whom I suppose were just sitting around waiting for him to show up. How did they know he would follow that ad? How did they know when he would show up? What on earth were those creepy little robot girls? In the second issue, how did they get Peter aboard that plane? And the most glaring question to date comes up in this one. For Spider-Man to be taken aboard that submarine, the mastermind would have to have known:
- Exactly when Spider-Man would wake up on the plane.
- Exactly how long it would take him to defeat the three villains aboard the plane.
- The fact that Spider-Man would choose to jump out of the plane.
- Exactly when Spider-Man would jump out AND FINALLY
- Exactly how long it would take for Spidey to reach exhaustion from swimming and drown.
- There is no possible way for the mastermind to predict all of this, let alone wrangle up ninety-nine villains, murderers, and criminals and make them all stand around and wait for the plan to fall into place. None of this adds up.
As if the plot holes aren't bad enough, each and every character is just plain written terribly. I’ll get to Peter in a moment, let’s talk about the villains. I haven’t read all of Queen’s stories due to them being infamous for sucking, but I’m going to go ahead and say she was written terribly. Just in general, no one talks like this. Her dialogue is like Matt Kindt writing Talia al Ghul, but you know, badly. She calls Spider-Man “my love” in almost every word bubble and the words “My man, my Spider-Man… You were always the strongest of them all…” couldn't possibly be cheesier. The most… disconcerting thing in this comic is that Queen’s pet spider “retrieved” Spider-Man’s “essence” while he was asleep. To put it lightly, the spider took his… “manly DNA”. Why? What was the point of that? And why does Spider-Man have absolutely no reaction to this horrifying development other than acting like it’s gross? …How exactly did the spider “retrieve” it? I don’t even really want to know the answer to the last one but my brain is still asking the question. I don’t even think Carnage said anything in the issue but Venom was written in the stereotypical way that even his hardcore fans roll their eyes at. I believe his exact line was: “We wantssss your brain, sssspider!”. That’s gripping stuff. I don’t even know how the whole subwoofer controlling the symbiotes thing is supposed to work, but if it’s really that easy, it takes the threat of the symbiotes down quite a few pegs. It should not be that simple of a process to tame them. Also, we are told that there are men inside the suits, but the issue does not tell us who exactly they are, further placing this story in confusing continuity territory. Tombstone. I’m not sure what to say about his scene other than it was so confusing and uninteresting. He might have killed himself. I’m not familiar with the Scarecrow that Spider-Man runs across while he’s having an emotional breakdown, but that was so pointless and anticlimactic I read it twice to make sure I didn't miss something.
Images Unplugged Rating
Cover & Solicit - 1
Art, Colors & Inking - 2
Layout & Flow - 2
Story - 2
Verdict - 1.9 (4/10) - (Buy Marvel Knights: Spider-Man) SAVE 10%
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